This Can't Be The End
by lyricsinmotion
Summary: Post Neverland AU: After the gang returns home, Emma and Neal get back together and Killian spirals out of control as a result. He drinks to numb the pain until that no longer works. One day it becomes too much. Kind of dark...Lots of angst with captain swan mixed in. T for language and suicidal themes. Two Shot. Please read the A/N at the beginning; it explains some stuff.
1. I'm Choosing My Fate

**A/N: Okay so I started writing this a few months ago, and picked it back up again a the other day because my writers block is finally fading. Initially, this story was a way for me to deal with something in my life. I stopped writing my other stories because i couldn't bring myself to do much of anything for awhile- it's also why i was off tumblr a lot. An old friend of mine, an amazing guy that I had a crush on for years, took his life. It was really hard for me to deal with, and I struggled for weeks. I'd never lost someone close to me before, not really. I'd lost grandparents before but i was so young it didn't affect me much. This was the first time someone I really cared about died, and I think suicide made it worse. The fact that he chose to leave...**

**Anyway, I started writing to help process what had happened, and I ended up with this. It's pretty dark, and it's got a lot of angst, but I'm actually really proud of it. I think it's become one of my favorite things I've written, because I relate to it. The title of the fic comes from _Down_ by Blink 182...I listened to quite a bit of blink 182 while writing this- _Adam's Song, I Miss You, Fighting The Gravity_- as well as _Rescued_ by Jack's Mannequin (which the following lyrics are from), _View From Heaven_ by Yellowcard and_ Hear You Me_ by Jimmy Eat World. I recommend listening to those songs, if nothing else they're amazing. **

* * *

_Oh, I can feel her, she's dying_  
_Just to keep me cool_  
_I'm finally numb, so please_  
_Don't get me rescued_

* * *

Emma kissed Neal on the cheek before walking out the door. Since returning from Neverland, she felt different. Her world was turned upside down looking for Henry, and no one was more surprised than her by how he was found. Gold had risked his life to save the boy- knowing full well that he was supposed to be his undoing eventually, but choosing to save him anyway- and none other than Killian Jones nearly offering himself up as a sacrifice to retrieve the two. The three made it back- but not entirely unscathed. Emma had been so grateful to Hook that she'd helped him with the steering of the ship on their return, and his recovery once in Storybrooke. The man started growing on her and she couldn't help but smile when she thought of some of the memories on the search for Henry, especially a particular moment of weakness when she'd given in to budding feelings and kissed him.

And then there was Neal.

She was reluctant to say the least to trust him, but it didn't take long at all for her to fall in love with the way his eyes sparkled or the curve of his lips when she smiled that smile that was just for her. She found herself forgiving him of their past and letting him back into her heart so quickly she was breathless. When Hook had noticed, he asked her if she was truly that foolish, to return to the man that tore her apart so much.

The thing was, she didn't care what he thought anymore. She was in love, and seeing that man with their son was all she'd ever wanted. A _family_.

"See you for dinner, babe?" Neal called out just before the door slipped shut. She smiled and nodded.

"Yep."

"Love you," he said softly. She looked to the ground before walking over to him and kissing him slowly.

"I love _you_," she said, remembering the time she'd said those three little words thinking they'd be the last thing he ever heard. Perhaps one day they still would be.

She left the apartment and walked out into the crisp morning air. She saw her mother on the way to the station and said hello, chatting for a bit about the Charming's new home and how it was coming along. Their conversation was interrupted however when she noticed Ruby running out onto the street and shouting.

"Fuck you, Hook!" she was saying. Emma rolled her eyes and squeezed Snow's shoulder before running towards the diner. "I swear to God I'll call her and tell her if you don't get the hell out of here!"

"Ruby! Hey- what's going on? What did he do?" Emma asked frantically.

"He's been here all fucking night long- the bastard broke in last night we found him passed out in the back of the kitchen. All the rum is gone, he has no way to pay for it, and he won't leave!"

Emma swallowed. She had never seen her friend this upset before.

"I'll handle him, just take a few deep breathes okay?" she said before passing the woman and entering Granny's Diner. "Hook?" she called out cautiously. She knew he'd been in a mood lately and she wasn't sure what his reaction to seeing her would be.

"Oh _lovely_, princess comin' to arressa sodding pirate. Well go onden, I know you love cuffs darlin'," he slurred with a swig of wine and roll of his eyes. _Wow, they really must have run out of rum if he was drinking that. _

"What are you doing?" she asked, quickly becoming aggravated. Not only was he now sauntering towards her- wine bottle still in his hand- but he also had this look on his face that scared her. Not to mention he was significantly less dressed than she was comfortable with- his familiar coat and vest gone, a mere undershirt completely unbuttoned and his pants hanging low.

"Was'it look like, lass? I'm drinkin'" he said with a smirk before coughing to the side and nearly falling over on his ass. Emma reached out to help steady him, ignoring the lustful gaze he threw at her. "Whater you doin?" he asked.

"God you smell like you've drinking for a week straight!" Emma complained as she caught a whiff of his breath.

"S'what if I have?"

"Hook- we need to get you home," she said, pulling his arm over her shoulders to help carry his weight.

"Quite forward," he muttered, turning his head dangerously close to hers and slipping his gaze to her lips and back to her eyes. Emma began to worry he was too drunk to realize she wasn't coming on to him.

"Hook-"

"Gods you gorgeous," he whispered like a prayer, his words coming out clearer than anything he'd said prior to today. Emma felt her cheeks flush just slightly and she turned away from him gently.

"Alright captain- I think it's time you-" She was cut off by hip lips at her ear.

"_Emma_," he murmured. His breath was heavy against her delicate skin and she shuddered, just slightly. Hook shifted his weight just so and Emma turned to look at him to see what he was doing.

And then he was kissing her. His lips gently pressed against hers, slowly moving- surprising Emma considered how completely drunk he was. She was about to push away when he stepped closer and pulled his lips back from hers, their bodies now softly pressing against each other before he kissed her again, this time more urgently. All resolve crippled from Emma and it didn't matter that the diner wasn't exactly empty or that someone would undoubtedly tell Neal what was going on. She'd forgotten how incredible it felt to have his lips on hers.

The wine bottle slipped from Killian's good hand and shattered across the floor, his fingers tangling in Emma's hair as he deepened the kiss, sighing against her as her own hands found his bare chest and rested there, déjà vu coursing through both of them. His hooked arm pulled her closer still, his good hand traveling down the length of her body as he traced his tongue across her lips. Emma tilted her head, letting him deepen the kiss seconds before his hand reached her thigh.

She gasped pulled away, her breathing labored as she tried to distance herself from him a few feet. He looked to her in utter shock, as if he couldn't believe he'd just done that, that she'd allowed him to kiss her that long, that passionately. She shook her head, trying to forget what she'd just done.

"Emma-"

"Don't," she warned.

"_Please_-"

"Go home," she muttered before stumbling backwards and out the door, running past Ruby's questions and not stopping until she reached the station, where she collapsed on the floor just outside the door in a sob.

* * *

Killian watched her walk away and tried to go after her but fell over his own two feet just before reaching the door. He let himself fall, not caring anymore. He'd wandering into the diner last night already drunk- he'd run out of alcohol on his ship- but still trying to drink away the memory of what he'd witnessed just an hour before.

He'd passed Gold's shop, seeing Belle and Rumplestiltskin laughing inside, setting his soul on fire. He hated that he'd saved that man's life in Neverland. If letting that man die hadn't also meant Emma losing her son, he probably would have.

But she'd already meant so much to him by then- and she'd lost so much and come so far. He couldn't let her lose someone else just so he could have his revenge.

He was upset enough as it was after seeing them together, but then he passed the diner. Emma had been sitting with Neal and Henry, Henry smiling fondly at his parents as they looked to each other. Neal whispered something in Emma's ear and she flushed, punching him in the shoulder before chuckling and kissing him.

Killian barely had enough in him to make it to the ship before he was throwing things and swearing like the pirate he was. Nothing was ever good enough. He was never good enough.

He couldn't save Milah.

He couldn't avenge her.

He couldn't be the father to Bae that he so desperately wanted to be all those years ago.

And he couldn't have Emma.

Granted, he was well aware that was not a woman to simply have. She was someone you spent the afternoon with sailing, someone you made a fire for on a cold night, someone that should be kissed under the stars, who should be told how beautiful they are daily. She was the kind of woman that would accept a one night stand, but under no circumstances deserved them. She wasn't someone you played with until you got bored.

Emma's the kind of woman you fall in love with every moment, of every day; with every sigh and every smile; by her tears and vulnerabilities. This wasn't just any woman.

This was Emma Swan.

And he knew now more than ever that she would never love him.

The kiss was more than he'd ever hoped for, but it also had a sort of finality to the way it ended. He was completely and utterly pissed, anyone could see that, but even in this state he could read her. She didn't end the kiss because she was uncomfortable, or because she was worried she was feeling something for him.

She ended it because of Neal. Because she loves _him_. Because at the end of the day, she's going to have to tell him what happened and she's going to promise it will never happen again- and she'll mean it.

Killian looked around at the people in the booths who'd come in this morning expecting breakfast but were told to wait until the town drunk left the premise. That's what he was these days- the town drunk. He'd been kicked out of the bar down the street every other night it seemed for starting fights or being disruptive but he couldn't help it.

He couldn't have his revenge on the dark one. He didn't have anything left. Not even the hope of something happening with Emma was there anymore. He had rum, and he had his ship, and that was it.

And when the rum ran out he'd run off to find something, anything to numb the emptiness he felt.

The people wore varying degrees of shock. For the most part they just stood there, not quite believing what they'd seen. A few looked disturbed- that's what Captain Hook kissing the daughter of Snow White and Prince Charming was apparently, disturbing. Ruby was glaring at him and Granny had a sort of smirk on her face, as if she knew Killian was in for hell for doing that.

But he didn't care. He didn't care about anything anymore. Kissing Emma was his last chance to make her see, to show her he knew something was there with them, and that he wasn't afraid to pursue it.

But she'd walked away, just like she always did. She didn't care about him.

_No one did._

* * *

"I'm so sorry!"

"God of course it would be him! First my _mother_ now you?" How many times is he going to fuck up my family?" Neal nearly shouted. Emma sat quietly on the couch and let him yell. She didn't know what else to do; she never knew what to do when he yelled.

"I'm sorry-"

"Believe it or not that's not exactly helping. It's not enough that he kissed you, but I have to hear it from the fucking wolf girl? And that you kissed him back? '_Eagerly'_?" He shook his head and paced the room some more.

"Neal-"

"Don't! God I can't even…I just need a minute," he said.

Emma hadn't even risen from her spot on the floor of the station before the phone rang with an extremely pissed off Neal asking "What the hell happened at the diner this morning- you have one chance to tell me the truth." She'd rushed home, finding him angrier than she ever remembered him getting. He told her Ruby had told him everything, that lying to him at this point was a waste of time considering Ruby left nothing out. Emma was upset initially that Ruby would tell Neal, but she wasn't exactly surprised. Ruby hated Hook more than anyone else in town- he was constantly making her life miserable by demanding liquor and demeaning her in front of customers when she denied him alcohol considering he was almost always already drunk by the time he showed up.

Considering he'd had 300 years to get accustomed to drinking, it was rather shocking that the man had enough rum on that ship to continually get him this drunk.

And anyway, Ruby loved Neal. He got along with Whale, and the four of them often went on double dates. Of course Ruby would look out for her friend before Hook.

"Neal, it didn't mean anything- I got carried away but as soon as I realized what was happening I stopped and I left," Emma piped up, trying for what felt like the hundredth time to explain.

"He isn't a _drug_, Emma! You didn't realize what was _happening_? Are you _serious_?"

"I'm sorry," she said again. There was something about Neal being disappointed in her that brought her back to her 18 year old mentality that if she said or did one wrong thing she'd lose the only person who'd ever loved her.

Neal looked at her and saw the unshed tears from this conversation, the tear stains from before she'd arrived home, and the exhausted look written across her features. He sighed and sat next to her. "I know you are. And I get it, I'm just upset. I'll be fine in a little while, okay? I just have to process the fact that a man I once looked to as a father has made out with my…with you," he said, his voice tight.

Emma ignored the way he dodged labeling their relationship and focused on the fact that he seemed to calming down. This was a good sign.

Soon everything would be okay, and they could go back to normal. Everything was fine.

* * *

Killian rummaged around his belongings before finding what he was looking for. Unfortunately _it_ was old and he didn't have any ammo. He threw it against the wall and sank to the ground.

"Can't even do this right," he muttered. That's when he saw it. A glint of light from under the table nearby. He reached over and grabbed the handle, pulling the blade closer to him. He sighed and stared at it, seeing the engraving in the handle. It was a simple compass, and he remembered when he was given the blade from his father.

"_It will help you when things get messy, lad_," the man had told him. That was the last gift he'd ever received from the man. And look at that- it was helping him out when things got messy after all.

He reached up and grabbed the bottle of Whiskey he'd found hidden in the brig in his rampage through the ship once he'd returned to it. He'd needed something else to drink, and he had remembered the stash his old crew had kept down there.

Something fell to the floor as he dragged the bottle towards him and the floor where he was sitting, and he picked it up. It was a piece of stationary from his desk. There was a small sketch of a map on one side- to what he couldn't quite tell. As he stared at it, however, he began to think he should do one last thing before going through with this.

After all, it was customary, was it not? To leave a note?

* * *

Emma walked to the diner alone to get dinner to take home for her, Henry, and Neal. She was still walking on eggshells it seemed around him, and she hated that, but she also didn't want to upset him more and she knew she had done something deserving of his anger. That's what she told herself anyway. She always told herself that.

Emma greeted Ruby when she arrived before approaching the counter. Ruby rushed to her side.

"You're not mad at me are you?" she asked.

"No- I get it. I mean, I would have told him but it's fine. He knows and that's what's important." Emma smiled the best she could up at the woman as she walked over to her.

"Okay, good. There's just something about Hook that….I don't know, but when it comes to him my judgment is clouded."

"Yeah I know the feeling," Emma muttered. Ruby narrowed her eyes.

"My judgment isn't clouded _that_ way, Emma." The blond rolled her eyes and sank onto the chair next to her. It was impossible not to remember Killian's lips pressed against hers when she was mere feet away from where it had happened.

"Have you seen him?" she asked.

"_Hook_? Um, _no_ when you told him to go home- _he did_," Ruby said. Emma nodded and looked around again. "Did you want to order?"

Emma glanced back and nodded with a smile. She placed her order and waiting not-so-patiently as scenarios played across her mind.

It didn't seem like Hook to just…leave so easily. He was the type to fight back, or at least not cave like that. Sure, Emma had to shove him away from her for the point to get across that he needed to go home but still. The fact that he didn't go after her, the look on his face that had scared her…the fact that he'd kissed her to begin with, or that he'd gotten so drunk…

It had to all be connected. It had to be.

And it added up to one thing.

Something was seriously wrong with Hook.

After Ruby handed Emma her order, she left and made a snap decision to make sure the pirate had at least made it back to the ship without killing anyone or passing out on the side of the road. She drove her car to the docks and parked, taking a deep breath before leaving.

She made her way to the ship and closed her eyes. This was probably a mistake. She shouldn't be here. Who knows what would happen- he might try to kiss her again! She took another deep breath and stepped on board, memories of the journey to get Henry back flooding her senses. She and Hook had more than one argument up on this main deck. They also had a few tender moments as well. Heart to hearts, talking about their pasts over whatever liquor Hook managed to find- usually rum much to Emma's dismay, but not surprise.

As she walked towards the stairs, she began feeling sick. Something was wrong- she knew something was _horribly_ wrong. She walked faster as she approached them, noticing now the way things were strewn across the wooden floors. It got worse as she neared the captain's quarters. Doors were open and fabric along with tables, chairs, papers, glass- anything really- were thrown carelessly throughout the place. Considering how clean Hook normally kept this place, Emma was worried.

She'd known he'd been drinking a lot lately- but wasn't that what pirates did?

She pushed open the door to his room and felt her heart stop. Tears filled her eyes immediately and she sank to the floor, a choked noise coming from her throat as she covered her mouth with one hand and her heart with the other.

"_No_," she whispered. "_No_!" she said once more, a bit more power behind it. She closed her eyes and let the tears fall, a muffled sob coming from her lips behind her hand. When she opened her eyes again, she noticed a piece of paper on his knee. Emma managed to find it within her to scoot over to Hook's limp body resting against the wall adjacent to hers to reach it. Her hands shook as she grabbed it, her fingers skimming his thigh. She cried even harder when he didn't react to her touch, as if it was confirmation of what she was seeing.

She tore her eyes from his torso and all the blood, focusing instead on breathing- which was becoming increasingly difficult- and on the piece of paper. It was a map of some sort and she shook her head.

"_Bastard_. You left a map?" she choked out before turning it over in her hands. All the air left her lungs in one swift gust and she knew her mascara must look horrible staining her cheeks but she didn't care because on this little piece of paper was _her_ name and she didn't care about anything anymore- only that he was _gone_.

_Emma,_

_I know you'll be the one to find me. I'm sorry that's so. Understand, love, that this has been a long time coming. I've lived many lives and I've nothing left. It's no one's fault but my own. I wasted my live on trivial things. It only makes sense that it ends with this. I'm not giving up- I'm _choosing_ my fate. I'm tired of revenge and pain and loss. Let me be, lass. The ship's my _home_ anyway. But you know that, don't you? _

_I hope you have a long and happy life, I truly do. _

_All my love,_

_Killian_

Emma fell over, her crying shaking her body as the note crumbled in her hand. Her head rested on his knee, right where the paper had been.

"No, God please NO not again _please_," she said over and over again. She couldn't ignore it anymore- she had to look at him- really look at him.

His back was slouched against the wall, his legs bent just slightly out in front of him. His arms were calmly laying at his sides, his hooked side weighing him down just a little. His head hung low, his face more peaceful than she'd ever seen it. He was still wearing that undershirt, and it still wasn't buttoned up, leaving nothing to the imagination. Blood stained the white cotton and his chest, stemming from a beautiful knife.

Emma cried out, gently touching his cheek. She couldn't help but feel like it was her fault. If she hadn't kissed him, maybe this wouldn't have happened. If she hadn't pushed him away, it wouldn't have happened. If he hadn't saved Gold and Henry, this wouldn't have happened. If he'd never met her, this wouldn't have happened.

Emma's head fell forward into her hand, her palms relentlessly trying to remove tears. She looked back up to him and tilted his head back against the wall carefully. She sniffled and pulled herself closer to him. _"Please, don't be gone_," she whispered. "I didn't…I never…" she started crying again.

"_I never got say goodbye_," she managed, her voice breaking on the last word. She leaned in and kissed his forehead, noting that his skin was still warm. She leaned back, staring at him through her tears. Her hand went to his cheek again, and realizing, yes, his skin was _warm_. Just _barely_.

She looked back down to the knife, her heart beating rapidly. She felt on her own chest where approximately he'd stabbed himself, and thought that maybe, just maybe, he'd missed. She felt for a pulse but didn't feel anything. It was either too faint or…

Or he really was gone, and she was only minutes _too late_.

She pulled out her phone and called Dr. Whale.

"Emma?"

"It's _Killian_….he's…he's gone but he's still _warm_ I don't know what to do- I don't know how long he's been like this but there's a lot of blood- oh God there's a lot…" she started tearing up again and sniffled, trying not to let her voice crack.

"Is he at the ship?" he asked in his doctor voice. He wasn't a friend at the moment. He was help.

"Yes- I can't lift him," Emma cried.

"The guys will be there in a minute," he promised. He stayed on the phone with her as he reached the ambulance, and called over for the guys to drive down to the docks. Emma held the phone in one hand and Killian's hand in the other, hoping it wasn't too late. Emma heard the sirens as they rushed towards her, Whale giving her instructions as to what to do- Don't remove the knife, apply pressure here, grab a towel to stop the bleeding there, etc. She wasn't sure how much it was helping, but at this point _everything_ mattered.

She refused to lose him.

This can't be the end.


	2. I'm Sorry

**A/N:** Whew! This chapter was really difficult, for different reasons than the first. For one thing, I had to do a lot of research! For real, I have a notebook with a full page written up on what happened to Killian when he stabbed himself. I'm not a doctor, not even close, so any mistakes on the technical side are all mine. I do think I got pretty close, though, to describing a likely situation. Like I said- _lots of research._ I also decided to continue this little mini fic with an epilogue, which I'm in the process of writing. I know it wasn't originally planned, but I couldn't help myself. I didn't think yall would mind... Lyrics are from Down by Blink 182

* * *

**_This can't be the end-_**

_**Tidal waves they rip right through me**_

_**Tears from eyes worn cold and sad****  
**_

_**Pick me up now, I need you so bad**_

* * *

Machines beeped as vitals were monitored throughout the procedure. Dr. Whale wiped above his brow as he gave instructions to a young nurse to his left, his hands still at the incision on Killian's side where a tube was inserted, blood draining from it at a rapid rate. He shook his head- it was too much blood- and told another nurse that the patient would in fact need a blood transfusion- fast. He knew it was possible Killian would need one when he saw the blood everywhere when the EMT's brought him in initially. His condition was so critical, however, that they needed to begin draining the blood gathering in his chest cavity immediately. Whale remembered learning about this in med school- even though, now that he thought about it, he supposed he never truly attended given the curse- and reminded himself that in this situation, death wasn't so farfetched. Killian could hardly breathe when he was brought in- he'd had a lung collapse and it was only a matter of time before his body gave out, especially considering the massive amount of blood he'd already lost, and continued to lose. Whale was infinitely grateful he hadn't been drinking today- that would have been a disaster, trying to save a man in this condition drunk. He just kept thinking one thing over and over again- the look on Emma's face when they'd arrived. She'd been so terrified, covered in blood and tears. If he didn't save this man, he wasn't sure he'd be able to face her. He needed Killian to pull through, and he needed to focus.

* * *

Emma paced the waiting room, barely holding it together. Snow came shortly after Emma had arrived with the ambulance- someone must have called her. Emma was relieved she wouldn't have to face this alone.

"He'll be alright, sweetheart," she said.

"You don't know that. You didn't see him." Emma fought tears yet again as an image of Killian flashed in her mind. She looked down and grimaced at her dark red hands and splotched t shirt and jeans. She'd tried to wash the blood off at one point but gave up- it came off her skin mostly, but there was still a tint to her hands that she couldn't get rid of. It was like when you write on yourself with sharpie, and then try to wash it off- it leaves traces that stay behind for a few washes. It stood as a reminder now, of how close she was to losing him. Of how close she _still_ was.

"Honey, maybe it's time we talked about this," Snow said.

"What do you mean, we've talked about it. He stabbed himself. End of story," Emma said bitterly, her voice cracking.

"Not about that, Emma. About the two of you- about the kiss." Emma rolled her eyes and looked at her mother.

"You're kidding right? He could be dying and you want to talk about the _kiss_?" Emma fought the urge to scream, though her voice was significantly louder as she spoke. It seemed like she was the only one worried about his well being.

"He's going to be okay, Emma. You have to believe that." Snow paused. "Look, honey, I know you're with Neal, and I'm happy for you. But you and I both know that wasn't the first time the two of you had kissed, and you can't keep lying to yourself about how you feel-"

"I don't feel anything for Hook," Emma stated earnestly.

"I see the way you look at him. It's okay_- I get it_. He reminds me of your father actually, in a way."

"Can we not talk about this?"

"I'm just saying, you wouldn't have gone to check on him in the first place if you didn't care. And from what I hear, the kiss you two shared was-"

"Mom, please," Emma nearly cried. "I can't- I can't talk about this. _Please_," she begged. Snow nodded and shut her mouth; Emma rarely called her 'Mom', and the fact that she just had meant she was really struggling. Snow walked to her daughter and held her, letting her cry into her shoulder until Dr. Whale came and interrupted them.

"Miss Swan?" he said slowly.

Emma wiped her cheeks and gave him a brave smile that faltered a moment later. "Is he okay?"

Whale smiled. "He's stable." Emma sighed and grabbed her mother's hand. "The knife pierced his chest wall…Blood filled his pleural cavity and resulted in a collapsed lung. He needed a blood transfusion during surgery when it became clear he'd lost too much blood, and he'll have two tubes in his chest for a few days to allow the lung to expand normally again."

"Oh my God," Snow gasped.

"But he's okay?" Emma asked again, her voice barely a whisper. She was trying not to picture Killian the way the doctor described so clearly. She couldn't think about that.

"He's fine. We patched it up, his breathing is improving, but it will be a little while before he's able to have visitors. He's getting x-rays right now, and he'll be in and out of it with the pain meds for awhile. I'll have someone find you when he's ready to see you."

The doctor excused himself and left then. Emma hugged Snow and let out a shaky laugh that almost sounded like a sob from relief. "I told you he would be fine," Snow said.

"How did you know?" Emma asked.

Snow smiled and touched Emma's cheek gently, but never offered an answer.

It was torture waiting to see him; it felt like hours, though Emma really couldn't say if it had even been longer than 5 minutes. Charming brought Neal and Henry by after Snow called with an update, and Henry ran to Emma, nearly crying. "Is he okay?" he asked quietly.

"Yeah, he's going to be fine," she said as she ruffled his hair. The boy had grown attached to the pirate, and despite Hook's love of rum, he found time to sober up occasionally to have sword fights with the boy on the ship. Henry seemed relieved to hear his fighting partner was alright, but Neal stiffened. He'd noticed the moment he saw her how her cheeks were stained with tears, the way her clothes sat on her body as if she'd been restless all afternoon, but most of all, the worry etched across her face from waiting and pacing undoubtedly. He wondered vaguely if she'd been like this when she thought he was dead.

He wasn't so sure.

He'd been noticing the way Hook watched her, or the way Emma changed the subject whenever he came up. He knew from talk around town that the two of them had some sort of fling, but he usually pushed it to the back of his mind. Given everything that had happened today and the way Emma was acting, however, he needed answers.

"Can we talk?" he asked Emma. She nodded and the two walked out of the waiting room into the hallway. Neal turned and looked at her. "Tell me now- should I be worried?" he asked, not messing around.

"I don't know what you mean," Emma answered, tucking a strand of hair before crossing her arms in front of her.

"I know something happened between you two in Neverland. You said it didn't mean anything- _I believe you_. But I've been hearing things, Emma. That kiss today- it wasn't one sided. You said you stopped it before it got carried away but that isn't what I've been told. And now, the way you can't even meet my eyes…I'll ask you again. Do I need to be worried about the two of you?"

"Neal, please. It's nothing. Can we not do this right now?" Emma pleaded. She didn't want to have this conversation, especially when she was feeling this vulnerable. She was afraid of what her answers would be.

"Do you love him?" Neal asked blankly. Emma let out a quick breath and ran a shaky hand through her hair.

"Jesus, Neal. How can you even ask that?" she muttered.

"Don't play dumb," he said with a slight shake of his head. "I know how he feels about you, and sometimes I swear you give him this look-"

"What look?" she asked, her heart racing. Her mind went back to her conversation with Snow earlier when she'd asked her about her feelings for Hook. She didn't want to talk about it then, and she sure as hell didn't want to now, but she knew there was no escaping his questions. She might as well get answers as well.

"_How_ do I look at him?" she asked again.

"Like…" Neal struggled to find the words to express it, knowing if he verbalized it, it would mean it was true. He looked into her eyes and sighed. "There's a familiarity there that I don't like. You look at him as if he's the only person in the room. It's like you can talk to him without even speaking, by just exchanging a glance. You look at him in a way you've _never_ looked at me," he answered finally.

Emma looked at him with wide eyes. She didn't realize. "I don't do it on purpose," she said quietly.

"_I know_, Emma, but that's what scares me! The fact that you don't even realize it! I have to know- _do you love him_?" he asked.

"Neal-"

"It's a simple question! Do you love him, or not?" He was growing frustrated.

"I don't know!" Emma shouted.

"_Do you love him?"_

"_Yes_!" She began crying into her hands, her shoulders shaking. She wasn't sure why she was so emotional over all this- Killian wasn't supposed to mean anything to her, but something in her snapped earlier that day when he kissed her, and then again when she found his body covered in blood. All of a sudden she was being forced to deal with all the feelings she'd been trying to press into the back of her mind.

"Do you love _me_?" Neal whispered.

Emma looked up at him. "I'll always love you…in a way," she answered honestly. He nodded slowly.

"But you never _really_ loved me, did you?"

"_No_, Neal, I loved you but-"

"But now you love him," he finished. Emma couldn't talk. She didn't know what to say. "I'm going to go home, now. Tell Hook I'm glad he's alright," he said sadly.

"Neal, I-"

"It's okay, Emma. I get it. _I'm too late_. I understand," he said over his shoulder.

* * *

"He's awake, now. If you'd like to come see him," a nurse said as she entered the room Emma was waiting in with her family. Emma stood quickly and followed the woman, not waiting to see who was accompanying her. Henry trailed behind; Snow and Charming in tow holding hands. They knew Emma would want to talk to him alone, but they also knew seeing Hook might be difficult for her; she might want someone there to hold her hand or wrap an arm around her shoulders.

"He's right through here," the woman said as she gestured to a room. Emma took a deep breath and walked through the door.

She smiled weakly through unshed tears at the man on the bed. His eyes were shut, his chest rising and falling steadily. His skin was pale, more then she remembered- though in her haze of finding him, she supposed it could have slipped her mind. He looked as if the life had been drained out of him; it kind of scared Emma. A pulse monitor laid on his ring finger, IVs taped to his arms, Emma getting flash backs to when he was in here before, after the crash. She'd suspected he'd jumped in front of the car then, but now she was almost certain he truly had. He didn't seem to value his life much, _obviously_.

There were tubes from his left side draped down the bed, leading to some sort of clear and blue machine with measurement markings attached to the side of the bed, just under the rail, a few inches of blood already gathered in it. Oxygen was still being pumped into him through a light tube in his nose, an oxygen mask hanging near his bed, leading Emma to believe he'd been switching back and forth between the two. There was a bandage peaking through the top of his hospital gown as well as one covering his inner elbow on one arm, wires escaping through fabric here and there. His hook was off, like before, a white material covering his stump. His hair was all sorts of messed up but it comforted Emma in a way. He was still that disheveled pirate, despite the wires and machines.

"Killian?" she whispered softly. His eyes snapped open wide and found hers instantly, his mouth opened in a silent gasp. His name swallowed up by her voice would always and forever give him chills. Emma smiled best she could, and felt Henry snake under her arm to hug her side.

"Hey, mate," Charming said. "You look good." Killian didn't even acknowledge the comment, his eyes trained on Emma's.

"_Emma_," he managed, her name slipping past his lips as if he couldn't believe his eyes.

"Henry, come on. We should let them talk," Snow said softly, pulling at the boy. Emma barely noticed him leave her, but heard the door slip shut after her family. Her eyes were still on Hook's.

She took a few hesitant steps towards him, reaching the edge of the bed rather quickly. He swallowed as he watched her, his chest falling faster now. "Can I sit?" she asked.

The corner of his mouth lifted briefly and he nodded. Emma lowered herself gently onto the bed beside him, just to his right, fearing she'd mess up the tubes on his left. His arm shifted so she could sit closer and she did, smiling at him as she took his hand in hers. He intertwined their fingers effortlessly, closing his eyes for a moment.

"You really scared me," Emma finally said, her voice shaky and revealing. He squeezed her hand weakly.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to."

"Yes you did, you just didn't plan on living long enough to see me fall apart," she whispered, her voice breaking against her will.

"Hey, look at me," he said. "I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry, Emma." She started crying, and that was when he noticed her clothes, her hands. His blood was everywhere, and he immediately felt sick. He knew she'd be the one to find him, but he didn't think beyond that. He didn't realize she'd try to stop it, that she'd end up with his blood covering her. He should have expected it, but he didn't. He'd put her through so much, yet she never gave up on him- never lost _hope_ in him. "Gods, I'm so sorry," he said again, this time tears slipping past his lids.

Emma toppled over, being mindful of his wound, avoiding the left half of his body all together. Her back was pressed against his side, facing away from his eyes that always saw too much. It was as if they were lounging next to each other on a couch, considering his bed was in almost a full seated position. She hugged his arm and cried into him. She shifted so she was facing him after a minute, her arm gently slung over his waist and her head on his shoulder. He touched her shoulder with slight pressure and she looked up.

"You look like hell, darling," he said quietly. Emma laughed and felt her eyes slide shut as tears escaped past her lids. Killian smiled softly as he listened to her. Her laugh was possibly the most beautiful thing he'd ever heard. She needed to laugh more often. He'd work on that.

"You're one to talk," she replied, looking up at him. "Does it hurt?"

He hardly considered her question before shaking his head. "Not anymore," he whispered. It was better if she didn't know there was a constant stab of pain in his side, a dull ache filling his chest with every breath. Even with the medicine he'd been given, he still felt it. He hoped he wouldn't have to push the magic button to receive more pain killers while she was there- he didn't want to worry her any more than he had. "_Emma_."

"Hmm?"

"_You saved me_," he said. Emma began crying again, and as she looked into his eyes, seeing _life_ and admiration in them, she finally accepted her title- _Savior_.

"I wasn't going to let you die," she managed.

"You could have. I was ready for it." Emma lifted herself up on the bed so she could look into his eyes easier.

"Don't say that," she whispered so quietly he barely heard her.

"I was though. I've lived too long, Emma. I've overstayed my welcome on this earth," he shut he eyes while he waited for her to reply.

"_Stop_ it," she said with a shake of her head. Hearing him talk like this- it scared her too much. Her fingers traced his jaw and he sighed.

"Make me," he mumbled, his eyes opening slowly. There was a challenge hidden there, much like the first time they'd ever kissed. Emma's gaze slipped down to his lips and she felt her heart race as she considered 'making him' stop talking. She knew he was only trying to distract her from the severity of the situation they were in. He'd tried to take his life, and she wasn't forgetting that anytime soon. She met his eyes once more and felt a tear slide down her cheek. She wiped it angrily- she was tired of crying. She didn't want to cry anymore. But she couldn't stop. Despite his best efforts, he was here, he was _alive_, and it made her just as emotional as she had been getting Henry back.

"I was there when you're heart stopped." What little light had been in Killian's eyes was now gone, his jaw clenching as he looked back at her steadily. "We were in the back of the ambulance, on our way here. I was holding your hand, listening to the machine beeping, telling me you were still alive…trying to convince myself I wasn't too late," her voice cracked on the last word, a tear slipping down her cheek on onto his bed.

"Emma-"

"But then it _stopped_. We call it a flat line…You weren't _breathing_; they made me move out of the way. I didn't know what was happening, and then we were here and they took you away from me-" she started crying again, her voice cracking in the last sentence yet again. Killian couldn't suppress tears from his own eyes as he listened to her, watching as she struggled to meet his eyes. He couldn't believe how stupid he'd been. He _never_ should have done it.

He reached up and wiped her cheeks, Emma leaning into his touch, her eyes closing. "_I thought I lost you,"_ she whispered.

"I'm so sorry," he said again, feeling a loss of words.

"_Why _didyou do it?" she asked, her eyes begging him to help her understand. Killian took a deep breath as best he could given his injury and blinked a few times.

"It hurt too much," he answered after a moment. He looked up at her and gave her a weak smile that quickly faded.

"What did?"

"_Everything_," he sighed sadly. Emma closed her eyes, her hand drifting to his and intertwining their fingers once again. When she looked at him, he was staring back at her; he seemed so lost, so scared.

"I don't understand," she admitted. "I just _need_ to understand."

"Love, I didn't know what to do anymore. I no longer had revenge on my mind and that was my driving force for hundreds of years. I didn't know anything else…" He paused, raising their hands to brush a strand of hair off her face, his fingers lingering on her skin.

"I want you know something," he added. Emma braced herself for a confession.

"You need to know _this wasn't your fault_, love," he said, his voice shaking. Emma looked down; he could say it all he wanted but she knew he was lying- she just knew. "Look at me…_please_." She raised her eyes to his finally.

"You know I can tell when you lie to me, right?" she asked. He sighed.

"_You aren't to blame_- I am. _I messed up_- it's on _me_. Not _you_. Please just…_don't blame yourself_." He could see that she was about to argue, so he cut her off. "Emma, _please_, I can see it your eyes. The moment you said my name…you feel guilty. I don't want that," he said, his eyes shining with unshed tears. He was terrified she wouldn't believe him, that she'd continue to find fault in herself. It would eat at her, and that was the last thing he wanted.

"But before you…" she couldn't quite say it yet. She wasn't sure she'd ever be able to say it. "You kissed me…and then you…"

"I was drunk-"

"Don't pretend that's why you did it. That isn't why you kissed me and we _both_ know it," she spat out. She wanted him to be honest; he owed her that much, she thought.

"I know," he said after a long silence. "I see you with Bae everyday and…" he shook his head, as if he was trying to forget.

"And, what?" Emma asked, not entirely sure she wanted the answer.

"I never thought…After Milah, I just assumed she was _it_. That she was the one that…" he struggled to find words, choosing to follow a different train of thought when he couldn't. "I remember seeing her with Rumplestiltskin on a few occasions, and as much as I hated seeing them together it can't possibly amount to…seeing you with _him_," he managed. Emma bit her lip; they'd never really talked about their relationship- or rather, lack thereof. She wasn't sure what to say.

"Seeing you with him, _watching_ you fall under his spell again, _knowing_ you'd end up hurt- I…I couldn't take it. That's why I kissed you, Emma. I needed you to see," his voice cracked and his eyes bore into hers with so much intensity Emma found it hard to breathe. She hated that his voice was so shaky that it constantly broke, tearing her heart apart with it.

"Needed me to see what?" she asked, fearing she already knew the answer, and knowing it would change everything- even more so than his suicide attempt.

Emma turned to glance at the machines suddenly when his heart rate picked up, worried something was wrong. Hook cursed however, and Emma realized it had nothing to do with his wound and everything to do with her. Everything to do with what he was about to tell her. It was killing her, knowing how close she'd been to never having this moment; she could feel the life drain out of her as the adrenaline wore off. It was worth it though, to have him here.

"You alright?" she asked gently, her head tilting towards the machine. Killian tried to settle his heart but as he stared at her it proved to be difficult. He had a hard enough time controlling his emotions around her normally, but now he had bloody technology selling him out as well.

"Emma," he began. Her throat was dry as she swallowed; waiting for him to continue, the heart monitor indicating his pulse was racing as fast as she felt hers was. "When I met Milah, I thought I'd finally understood what it meant to find that person that fit you so completely, you hardly knew where you stopped and they began; someone who could see you, _all_ of you, and still accept you despite you faults; someone who you could imagine _growing old _with… I thought I knew what that meant. _But I didn't._ I hadn't the _slightest_ clue-" Emma bit her lip, a single tear slipping down her cheek as she realized where he was going with this.

"-_Until I met you_," he whispered as if it were sacred, saying these words. And in a way, he supposed it was. "You were the last thought I had when I slipped away, and the first when I came back around."

"Killian," she breathed.

"I hate that you had to see me on my ship. And I hate that you've cried far more tears over me than I'm worth. But there is one thing I will always be grateful for- living to tell you how I feel. I'm sorry it took me almost dying to finally say this, I truly am." He slipped his hand out of hers and pressed his palm to the side of her face, smiling at her with all the strength he had.

"_Emma, I love you,"_ he sighed. "I love you _so_ much."

Emma felt a few tears slip down her cheeks as she let out a shaky laugh, her hands moving to frame his face. She hadn't wanted to fall in love with the pirate before her. She hadn't really wanted to fall in love at all, ever again, to be honest. She'd given up on her happy ending so long ago, that this feeling inside her heart was almost foreign. It was, actually- she'd never felt anything this strong before, not even with Neal. It was as if _he_ was a part of her now, a part so intricately woven into her very being that she couldn't imagine a scenario without him by her side. Perhaps that was why it hurt so much to come so close to losing him- if he died, she would shatter with all the fragments he held in her heart leaving so suddenly. And just like that, she knew she couldn't deny her feelings any longer. She'd told Neal the truth in that hallway, now it was time she told the man those three words that would forever belong to him.

"_I love you_," she said, her voice stronger than it had been since before she ventured out to his ship.

Killian let out a shaky breath, not quite believing his ears. He knew she had to feel something for him, he had known since Neverland, but he couldn't believe that a woman as amazing as her would actually _love_ him. He barely had time to give her brilliant smile through watery eyes before she leaned down and pressed her lips to his.

They'd shared a few kisses since that first in Neverland, but none had ever felt like _this_. There was desperation there like there always was, like they'd cease to exist if they pulled away from each other. But there was also a tenderness that was new, their lips moving together slowly, fitting perfectly as he sighed into her. Emma tugged at his lower lip gently, slipping her tongue out to tangle with his, a smirk playing at her lips with the machines went crazy again. She had to admit it was nice to know she wasn't the only one who was affected by this. She pulled back from him, her forehead resting on his as they caught their breath. Her head was dizzy with the scent and taste of him.

"Killian?" she murmured after a few deep breaths.

"Hmm?" he hummed, his lips brushing against hers with a feather light touch, a shiver running down his spine as he did so.

"Promise me something," she breathed.

"_Anything_," he vowed.

"Don't leave me," she begged quietly. His eyes snapped open, waiting for her to return his gaze. He didn't need her to open her eyes to watch the emotion- the fear and longing- play out on her face. It was a solid minute before she looked back at him.

"I'm going to make this up to you, Emma. I don't care if it takes the rest of our lives. I'll never hurt you again, I promise. I'm not going anywhere. I'm never going to go anywhere, unless you ask me to, and even then I may not," he said, finishing his sentence with a lingering kiss. "I love you."

"I just…I can't lose you," she whispered. Her lip quivered, and Killian fought the urge to make it stop with a kiss. He looked into her eyes and saw that she was absolutely terrified. Emma meant it- she couldn't lose him. She honestly wasn't sure she would survive losing another person she loved, especially someone she loved as much as him.

"You won't, darling. I'm not going anywhere, I promise," he said again. Emma nodded, knowing he was telling the truth, and pressed her lips to his. It was amazing, how a completely innocent peck on the lips still managed to consume her. She laid her head on his shoulder carefully, trying her best to avoid the bandages, though she knew even if she laid on them he wouldn't complain.

Killian sighed. "Gods, to think I almost missed out on this," he murmured against her hair. Emma smiled faintly, her eyes drifting back up to his.

"I'm glad you didn't," she said quietly. Killian mentally kicked himself yet again for his earlier actions. He'd never forgive himself for the pain he'd put her through today.

Emma noticed lines forming on his face from his thoughts and reached up to smooth them out. "Hey, look at me," she said. He did, somewhat reluctantly, knowing she'd see straight through him and know what he was thinking. For as much of an open book she was to him, he was almost convinced he was more of one to her.

"I forgive you," she told him, her hand resting on his cheek, tracing the scar there. A wave of emotion washed over Killian at her words, and he felt the tension leave him, a weight lifting off his shoulders. She meant it- she'd forgiven him for scaring her. He didn't know what he'd done in his exceptionally long life to deserve such a magnificent woman, someone who loved him for everything he was and wasn't. "I love you," she said with a small smile. "Nothing you do will ever change that."

"Gods I love you," he said back, tears brimming his eyes as he pulled her to him to kiss her. He groaned almost immediately when a sharp pain shot through his side, his breath coming in quick pants as he clenched his eyes shut, trying to get through the pain.

Emma leapt up as soon as he made a noise, her hands hovering over his body, unsure of what she should do. Fresh tears filled her eyes as she stared at him, his vitals flaring and his chest rising and falling rapidly. His eyes were screwed shut, his jaw tight as he gasped, his hand fisting in the blanket at his side. A nurse came rushing in, gently pushing Emma aside so she could alter his pain meds, and Emma let out a sigh when the machines leveled out, Killian's body relaxing. His head fell back against the bed, a low breath escaping his lips before he opened his eyes, his gaze darting to Emma. "Sorry," he managed.

Emma shook her head, watching as the nurse tugged his gown up to check on something, Emma assumed. Her breath caught in her throat when she saw his chest. There was hardly any skin on the left side that _wasn't_ covered in tape or bandages. A few wires were taped at various parts of his chest, leading to machines on the side of the bed. She could see the tubes now, and it scared her to death. They were taped and suctioned off on his skin, but they were pierced through his side none the less. The nurse looked at them first, before lifting an area of taped gauze on his chest to examine the stitches, and Emma bit her lip, looking away as tears filled her eyes. There was still a ring of red smeared across his skin, though it was much lighter than it was on her own skin- they must have really cleaned it. When she glanced back, the nurse was patching him up again with a fresh bandage, Killian's eyes fixed on the wall to his left, his jaw clenched as he avoided Emma's gaze. The nurse lowered his gown and moved about the room, quickly writing something or other down on a clipboard before leaving.

"Sorry," he mumbled again, still refusing to look at her.

"Don't be," she said, moving to sit back on the bed, more carefully this time. "You need to take it easy, Killian. I don't want you to hurt yourself-" _more_ _than you already have. _The words hung heavy in the air as they exchanged a glance. He nodded and let out a deep sigh, his hand finding hers. She raised it to her lips and kissed his knuckles, watching as his eyes slid shut. Emma found she quite liked how affected he seemed to be to her touch.

"Miss Swan?" Dr. Whale's voice came from the doorway. Emma turned around to see him motion towards the hall. She bent down and kissed Killian's forehead before getting up and following the doctor out the door.

"Is everything alright?" she asked nervously.

He gave her a warm smile and nodded. "He's fine, Emma- there wasn't any damage done, don't worry. But he needs rest- it seems his heart rate had a few abnormalities since having visitors," he told her, his eyebrows rising suggestively. Emma looked down and blushed slightly, knowing _exactly_ what those abnormalities were. Whale smirked. "As much as I'm sure he enjoys your company, he needs sleep more."

"Right, of course he does," she said with a nod of her head, though she wanted nothing more than to stay with him.

"You can see him later, if you like," he added.

"When?" she asked, somewhat eagerly. He laughed and glanced into the room Killian was in, seeing the way the man was watching Emma.

"I'll tell you what- we usually only allow family to stay overnight with patients, but I think we can make an exception. It'd be best if you waited until after he's had a sedative though, I'm sure if you're there he'll fight sleep as long as possible." Emma smiled and looked over her shoulder at Killian.

"Yeah, you might be right," she said. Whale nodded and began to walk off. "Thank you," she called out. He turned and raised an eyebrow. "For saving him. Thank you," she repeated. She'd always be grateful for how quickly Dr. Whale and his staff had acted when they'd received her call. If they hadn't, Killian might not be alive and well in the next room.

He smiled. "I didn't save him, Emma. _You_ did."

* * *

**Again- I'm going to upload an epilogue even though that wasn't originally the plan. Reviews are much appreciated! Tell me what you want to see in the last chapter, i may be able to work it into what I've already started :)**


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